Behind The Scenes: Hueco Mundo
by hime the stars shine bright
Summary: OOC. Crack. What really goes on when the Espada aren't dealing with retarded shinigami breaking into Las Noches 24/7. Give them a break, dammit.  Mostly Nnoitra & Szayel's POV. 8D
1. SCENE I: Vanité de Vanille

_Deep in the bleached sands of Hueco Mundo, a new day begins. Today we rise together and celebrate in a festivity of festivities- of course, it must be epic, as is it's host._

**Title:** Behind The Scenes: Hueco Mundo  
**Author:** XTheCherryOnTopX  
**Pairings:** Ulquihime, Nnoinel, Aizen father-complex  
**Warning:** It's just pure, raw crack, so assume there is a bit of cursing and OOC. I like it like that. This story will mostly be in Nnoitra and Szayel's point of view, because those two are just total BFF's in this.

**SCENE I: Vanité de Vanille  
**...

Darkness surrounded Ulquiorra as he snuggled under the green covers of his bed.

Darkness was...delightful.

Yeah, because they're both spelled with a 'D'.

He was not the type of person -cough- excuse me, _Arrancar_, to wake up early unless Aizen-sama wanted him to.

He remember his words from yesterday, the ones he had spoken to that prisoner girl, Orihime.

_"If you do not eat, I will strap you down and force it down your throat."_

Ulquiorra chuckled evilly in his sleep. Yes...

He suddenly felt a presence near him, slowly approaching, creeping.

_'I swear, if it's Grimmjow wanting to borrow my yarn balls again, I'm cero-ing him right here and now. Can't he see I need those for knitting? That woman's clothes were handmade by yours truly, and he-'_

"RISE AND SHINE, CIFER-KUN!" a hand slapped down on Ulquiorra's head, ruffling his black fluffyness.

Ulquiorra sat up very slowly, glaring daggers at Orihime, who was wide awake, dressed in her beautiful Sosuke-Aizen-Army uniform that he had spent _forever_ making her.

Then he noticed that it was just shreds hanging off her.

Ulquiorra screamed.

"EEEEEEEEEHHHH!" he pointed at Orihime, who now covered her ears with her hands. "WHAT-WHAT-WHAT-"

"Cifer-kun?"

"WHAT HAPPENED?" He screamed, pointing dramatically at her torn-up clothes.

Orihime looked down at herself, puzzled, and then grinned brightly, "Oh, I was playing with Grimmjow-kun!" she squealed, before taking off out the door, "Breakfast in five, Cifer-kun!"

Ulquiorra stared wide-eyed at the door Orihime had just exited from.

Someone was gonna die today.

...

"Where's Aizen-sama?" Nnoitra stalks into the dining room hall in Las Noches, his hair wrapped up in a towel.

"Daddy's not here right now." Halibel says , "He should be here any minu-"

"Nnoitra-sama!" Tesla says happily, bounding over. "Are you free today? If you are, can we-"

"Tesla, your a piece of crap. No more, no less."

Orihime says, "That's so mean, Nnoitra."

Nnoitra says, "I never asked you for your opinion, bitch."

"ALL RISE FOR LORD AIZEN." A mysterious voice calls. All the espada, along with Gin, Tousen, and Orihime, stand up.

Aizen walks into the room in his bathrobe, a newspaper, and bunny slippers.

"Welcome, everyone. It has been exactly a yea-"

"Aizen-sama, Tousen isn't here yet."

"Then we shall wait for him."

Everyone groaned at that.

An hour later, Tousen walks into the dining room. "Aizen-sama-" and trips over Szayel's chemistry set.

Szayel drops his cell phone, "HEY, be careful with that! I spent my entire allowance on that chem set!"

Halibel says monotonously, "Then why would you leave it on the floor?"

Everyone bursts out laughing.

Aizen looks up from his paper and frowns. "Now now my children, we do not laugh at other people's pain-"

"What do you mean, dad? That's what the espada were_ born _for." Nnoitra corrects.

Aizen stares at him for a moment, then smiles all Aizen-like. "Hm. Correct. Carry on."

Everyone continues to laugh.

Grimmjow says in a grumpy tone, "What the hell took you so long? We've been waiting here for an hour!"

Kaname looks at a lamp on his left, "Well excuse me, Grimmjow-"

"I'm over here, stupid!"

"Well excuse me, Grimmjow." Kaname said to Santa Teresa.

"Someone help him!"

"Moving on..." Aizen cleared his throat, "As you all know, it is Hueco Mundo Independance Day. This is the day that I, Sosuke Aizen, achieved the task of taking my place as King of Hueco Mundo, relieiving our second Espada. Everyone please give Barragan a round of applause."

The Espada all start clapping. Some also start snickering. Barragan gets all depressed.

"Now then, everyone please say the oath. Ready? Begin."

At this, everyone in the room except of Aizen begin to recite the oath.

"We the espada of Las Noches, located in the great Hueco Mundo, pledge allegiance to Aizen Sosuke, and his mighty sash of wysteria. To take over Karakura, ignore Soul Society, and cause much destruction and hysteria. To Kyoka Suigetsu, for whom it kills, one nation, under Aizen-sama, ever-powerful, with tea and nachos for all."

...

Orihime had drawn up an extra seat on Ulquiorra's right. Gin sat on one end of the long table, and Aizen sat on the other.

Grimmjow and Nnoitra had engaged in a food fight, flinging fried eggs back and fourth.

Aizen completely ignored everything that was happening, but simply sipped his tea and read his newspaper.

Barragan kept pestering Halibel to go out with him.

"I've had enough!" Halibel screeched, pointing her fork at him menacingly, "If you do not silence yourself, I will castrate you with this fork, right now!"

Barragan sunk into his chair dissapointedly._ 'Oh well, at least there's Loli and Menoly...and that Cirqui girl... or whatever her name is...'_

Starrk had fallen asleep in his plate of mashed potatoes.

"Starrk, you moron, wake the hell up." Nnoitra said, poking Starrk in the side and dodging a spoonful of green beans from Grimmjow's side.

Ulquiorra stormed in. "GRIMMJOW!"

Silence. Grimmjow looked up from his green beans. "The hell do you want?"

"What did you do to woman's clothes?" Ulquiorra snarled, pointing at Orihime, who was sitting enjoying her pancakes, humming happily.

"It's not _my_ fault. We were playing with a ball of yarn and-"

"Don't give me that! Do you not know how hard I worked to make those-"

"Well maybe you shouldn't let her wear them so often if they tear up so damn easily!"

"Excuse me? Perhaps you should be more considerate-"

(This goes on.)

...

(LATER)

After the arguing was over, Ulquiorra sat himself very manly-like next to Orihime, taking up his calm, cool demeanor, and...

held up the spoon to Orihime.

"Open your mouth, Woman."

"Naa-ah, I don't want anymore, Cifer-kun!" Orihime held both her hands out in front of her face.

Ulquiorra pushed her hands away. "I told you I would force it down if you didn't eat it-"

"That was _yesterday,_ and it was mushroom soup! I _hate_ mushroom soup!"

"Silence, woman. Now eat." Ulquiorra held up the spoon to her lips, "Hear comes the planeeee!"

"Nooooo I don't want any!"

"SURPRAIZEN!" Gin shrieks, popping out behind Szayel, who screams out loud, dropping his fork.

Gin slinks next to him and picks up a pink bag hanging off of his chair, "Oh, does this look sexy on me? Hey Szayel, why do you carry a pink handbag?"

"It's a satchel, not a handbag."

"Oh really?" Gin dumps the contents of the bag onto the table. "A pink iPod?"

"It was on sale."

"A pink phone?"

"Ever heard of matching?"

"Yes...it's for gay people. Ooh, a shoujo manga... _"Mermaid Melody Pitchi Pitchi Pitch"?"_

"...It's from my girlfriend."

"Yeah, your girlfriend named Fred!"

Szayel snatches his stuff away from Gin and stuffs it back into his pu- er, satchel, "I'm not gay, you imbecile."

"Then why is your hair pink?"

"We cannot choose the color of hair we are born with!"

"Yeah!" Grimmjow says, standing up. "I second that! Look at _my _hair color. Baby blue? That's so not badass-like!"

"Yeah, yeah! You guys match, it's like friggin' cotton candy!" Nnoitra said.

Everyone stares at him.

Orihime bursts into a fit of girly little giggles.

...

Nnoitra was really, really pissed.

Women suck. Platypus shit.

Acting all dominant over men on the battlefield- who did they think they were?

They might be really tempting and stuff, but they were a pain in the butt.

First he had to deal with that crazy Neliel bitch, and now this.

Why couldn't Ulquiorra keep his stupid girlfriend in check?

...

Nnoitra stood outside Orihime's bathroom door, his ear pressed to the door.

He could hear the shower running, and Orihime's happy singing.

Nnoitra growled, his teeth clenching angrily, his hand on the doorknob tightening.

He was going to _kill_ her.

You see, Nnoitra had this hair conditioner- _Herbal Essences Vanity's Vanilla_, it was called, and it was the most _amazing_ conditioner ever.

It made his already sexy, gorgeous, pitch black hair even more perfect, silky, soft, and smell so damn _good._

And it was expensive.

So, Nnoitra had noticed, his beloved conditioner had been disappearing lately.

And, he noticed, that jailbird girl smelled like vanilla a lot.

At first, he'd dismissed it, because he was Nnoitra Jiruga, the greatest damn Espada to ever live, and he was not going to be stumped by an evil conniving little girl and her conditioner-stealing ways.

But then she did it again.

Over and over again, for a whole month Nnoitra found himself buying his vanilla-scented conditioner more then he usually did because the jailbird girl kept on taking it!

Just _taking_ his epic conditioner without even asking him-

and she already used up _2_ freaking bottles!

Who does she think-

"Nnoitra-sama! What're you doing? May I join?"

Nnoitra turned and glared at Tesla as meanly as he could with his one eye. "Get lost, you piece of crap."

Tesla hangs his head and walks off.

...Now, where were we?

Oh yeah.

Who did she think she was?

Well, Nnoitra had had enough.

He could bet Orihime was in there right now, squeezing some of that liquid gold onto her _undeserving_ fingers before lathering it into her _undeserving_ hair!

It was driving him insane.

And so, he pulled a hairpin out of his gorgeous, vanilla-conditioner-deserving hair (don't ask) and stuck it into the lock, grinning evilly when it clicked open.

With his mind set on avenging his previously finished bottles of his vanilla conditioner, Nnoitra shoved the bathroom door open and barged in.

"EEEEEK! WHAT ARE YOU _DOING? _GET OUT! _GET OUT_! **CIFER-KUN!"**

Nnoitra glared hatefully at the orange-haired girl, who was standing there, one hand gripping the shower curtain to cover herself, and with the other hand, the bottle of his-

vanilla shampoo.

At the sight of his treasure, Nnoitra's angry glare darkened, and he stalked clear across the bathroom.

"W-What do you want?" Orihime said in a scared tone, shivering from the cold air on her wet skin as the 7-foot espada took menacing steps towards her. "Cifer—"

"Dorko can't save you here." Nnoitra said evilly.

His hand shot forward, and Orihime pressed her back against the wall fearfully, eyes closed, and when she opened her eyes...

Nnoitra stood, towering over, well, everything, with the conditioner bottle in his hands.

He had opened the bottle, peering inside it with his single eye curiously.

Orihime stared at him incredulously.

"What-"

"You!" Nnoitra snapped suddenly, pointing. "How _dare_ you steal my vanilla scented conditioner, you little shit?"

Orihime reached out to grab a towel and then wrapped it around her.

"You mean you barged in on me when I was taking a shower just because of your conditioner?"

"It was one thing to use it once," Nnoitra countered, "But then you did it again and again! Fucking _no_, bitch! It's mine!"

Orihime supposed she shouldn't be surprised, Espada were capable of anything- _literally_, but...

"Now…"

Nnoitra's evilly smooth tone snapped Orihime out of her thoughts, watching as Nnoitra reached into his pocket and pulled something out.

Nnoitra smirked sadistically as jailbird girl gasped, brown eyes widening.

"No!" Orihime cried as she stared at him, begging.

"That's right."

"Baby!" she shrieked miserably, desperately staring at her Ulquiorra plushie, which Ulquiorra himself had made for her with his _own two hands_, clutched tightly in Nnoitra's fist, as he held it over the toilet.

"Give me my shampoo."

"...Eh?"

"My shampoo," Nnoitra said, "Hand it over and I'll give you the ugly plushie."

"You...you meanie!" Orihime cried, eyes brimming with tears, "It's _not_ ugly! Your... your _hair_ is ugly!"

Silence.

Nnoitra's eyes widened.

Never, in _all_ of his life, had anyone said that his beautiful, dazzling, gorgeous, magnificent, _perfect_ hair was ugly.

How dare she.

How _dare_ she!

So Nnoitra mercilessly dropped the Ulquiorra plushie in the toilet, his hand coming down on the flush so hard it snapped off.

"**AAAAAAAAHHHHH!** NO! _BABYYY!" _Orihime screamed, "CIFER-KUN! **CIFER-KUN!"**

"JUST BE GLAD I'M NOT SANTA TERESA-ING YOU RIGHT NOW, BITCH!"

...

Nnoitra, Ulquiorra, Aizen and Orihime all sat around a table.

Orihime was dressed, sniffling, a box of tissues in front of her. Ulquiorra sat silently. Aizen had his eyes closed, leaning against his hand, as his elbox was propped on the table.

Nnoitra sighed inwardly.

_'Great. She's bitched to Ulquiorra, who bitched to Aizen-sama.'_

Aizen looked at Nnoitra calmly. "What do you propose, Nnoitra?"

Nnoitra sighed.

"Look…"

He shifted slightly at Orihime's tear-filled gaze.

"I... I'll let you use the shampoo!"

Orihime smiled brightly.

"Really?" she said. "And the conditioner?"

"_What?_ Hell n-"

Nnoitra suddenly felt a very, very dense reiatsu wearing him down.

He looked over at Ulquiorra, who was glaring hatefully, and at Aizen, who still looked serene.

"You were saying, Nnoitra?" Aizen said in a soft, calm voice.

Damn.

"A—And… And the conditioner…"

Orihime's eyes shined happily.

"And you'll get my Ulquiorra plushie out of the toilet?"

Nnoitra groaned.

_'Spoiled bitch.'_


	2. SCENE II: à la caméra, Nnoitra et Szayel

...  
**SCENE II: à la caméra, Nnoitra et Szayel**  
...

Szayel was strutting down the hallway of Las Noches on his way to Nnoitra's room.

"Are you serious?" Szayel said in a shocked tone, holding his pink phone to his ear as he conversed with Nnoitra, "I can't _believe_ she called your hair ugly. Is she _blind? _Like, what- oh, hold on Nnoi, I'm here. Open your door."

The door opened to reveal Nnoitra, in a t shirt and (really long) sweatpants, his hair pulled back into a high ponytail. Some of the front strands are still loose and frame his face.

"Yo." Nnoitra leans against the door frame as Szayel walks in.

"Hey," Szayel dumps his bag on the ground, "I just remembered, why do you keep calling your fraccion a piece of crap? I've noticed you've been doing that a _lot."_

Nnoitra plops down on his bed, "I have this theory. I bet if I keep calling Tesla a piece of crap, eventually he will really believe that he's a piece of crap!"

Szayel says, "That's stupid."

"You're stupid. Hey, you got the camera?"

Szayel smirks and opens his satchel, "You bet." and takes out a small, handheld video camera.

"Great." Nnoitra pulls out a camera tripod from underneath his bed. He and Nnoitra set it up.

The camera starts with Nnoitra. He is sitting at a table.

Nnoitra says, "You got the stuff?"

Szayel appears, carrying a small bag of stuff as well as a mirror. "Yep. (to camera) Hey guys, Szayel Aporro Granz here."

Nnoitra adds, "You can call him SAG for short. I'm Nnoitra Jiruga, the greatest espada to ever live."

Szayel says, "You wish, Nnoitra."

Nnoitra says, "When your Espada number is higher then mine, then you can think about correcting me, Pinky. Not until then."

Szayel rolls his eyes and looks back at the camera, "Says the guy who needed my help to defeat Neliel."

Nnoitra yells, "SHUT UP, THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO!"

Tesla appears, "Nnoitra-sama, I am bored. May I join you in your activities?"

Nnoitra says in an annoyed tone, "First of all, no. We're doing important Espada business that you noob fraccion can't understand. Got it? Second of all, stop fucking following me everywhere. Third, your a piece of crap. And fourth, do not piss me off again, bitch, because it would be a shame to get blood on that shirt of yours."

Tesla walks away, looking down at his shirt the whole time.

Grimmjow, Halibel, and Starrk appear.

Grimmjow asks "What're you two dipshits doing?"

Nnoitra snorts, "Your mom."

Halibel laughs, "Ooh, burn."

Grimmjow counters, "Shut up Halibel, or I'll tell everyone about that manga character you have a crush on."

Halibel blushes, "You wouldn't!"

Szayel focuses the camera on them, "Oh, do tell!"

Grimmjow faces the camera, "You know _Kisame_ from the manga _Naruto_? Hali's _crazy_ about him."

Everyone starts to giggle. Halibel blushes furiously, "It's _not_ funny! And besides, it's not true!"

Grimmjow says, "Yes, it is. You have all of his fights bookmarked on your laptop."

Halibel's eyes get dark, "You looked through my computer?"

Grimmjow says, "...No?"

Halibel faces the camera and yells, "Grimmjow drinks out of the toilet!"

Grimmjow's angry yelling is heard behind her, "NO, I DON'T!"

Starrk, who has been silent the whole time, speaks, "What're you doing, Nnoitra?"

Szayel turns the camera back to Nnoitra, who is dressed in Ulquiorra's uniform. He's tucked his hair into the shirt collar, giving the appearance that his hair is shoulder-length, and has a white cereal bowl on his head. A lock of his hair falls across his forehead.

Szayel snickers softly as Nnoitra pulls out green eyeliner and carefully draws lines running down his face, starting from his eyes all the way down.

Halibel giggles.

Nnoitra glares, "Trash, what're you laughing at?"

"Holy shit." Grimmjow says, shivering, "You're_ just _like him."

Nnoitra pulls out black nail polish and proceeds to do his nails. "I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am."

Szayel chuckles softly, "Wonder what he would say?"

Neliel appears. "What's going on?"

"Fuck." Nnoitra curses, holding his hand mirror directly in front of his face in attempt to hide from Nel.

Neliel stares at Nnoitra.

"Ulquiorra?"

Everyone bursts out laughing.

Halibel pokes Nel "That's Nnoitra, Neliel-san."

Neliel stares at Nnoitra wide-eyed.

Nnoitra snaps "Trash, what're you staring at?"

Neliel's face immediatly goes back into it's superior look. "I can't believe you would stoop so low as to make fun of your own comrades, Nnoitra."

Szayel snickers and says to the camera, "Ooh, she doesn't know the half of it. She hasn't seen Nnoitra with Tesla."

Nnoitra says, "Trash aren't supposed to speak, Neliel."

Everyone giggles.

Neliel counters, "Then stop talking, Nnoitra."

"You first."

Nnoitra and Neliel glare daggers at each other.

Szayel sighs romantically, "Ahh, spring! When a young man's hatred turns to love!"

Nnoitra throws green eyeliner at him, "Shut up, trash."

Neliel adds, "Besides, there are no seasons in Hueco Mundo."

"What is going on here?"

Everyone turns to see Ulquiorra standing there. Ulquiorra himself is dressed in a normal shirt and sweatpants, signifying he has just come from exercizing.

Grimmjow snickers, "Busted."

Nnoitra looks at Ulquiorra's outfit up and down and shrieks, "Holy shit, I'm going out of fashion!" and runs off.

Szayel's voice is heard, "Hey, wait!" and runs after him. The camera shakes wildly as he does.

...

The camera cuts to Nnoitra and Szayel, back in Nnoitra's room again. Both of them are seen sitting around lazily.

"This is so boring." Szayel declares. Nnoitra sighs, and sits up.

"I'm going to go pester Neliel to fight me."

"You always do that."

"But we've never taped it before. Besides, I'll make it interesting." he winks at the camera.

"Ok, I'll come along."

...

The camera cuts to Nnoitra, who's back is to the camera, walking, his zanpakuto leaning on his shoulder.

"Neliel."

Nel appears in the scene. "What?"

"Fight me."

Neliel rolls her eyes, "We will not go through this again, Nnoitra. How many times must I say no?"

"Until you get bored with saying no and say yes."

"No." Neliel begins to walk away. Nnoitra follows.

"Why not?"

"I already told you before." Neliel says, turning towards him, "Didn't I?"

Nnoitra rolls his eyes, "No mom, you didn't. Care to enlighten me?"

Neliel ignores his comment, "I told you, you are a beast. I cannot accept you as a warrior. I have no desire to be burdened with the life of one who is no warrior."

Neliel turns around to walk away, but Nnoitra snickers, "Heheh, that's what _she_ said."

Neliel whips around, glaring dangerously, "_Excuse_ me?"

"It's ok, Neli, you don't have to hide it anymore..." Nnoitra runs a hand through his hair, "Am I that irresistable?"

"Go fuck yourself!"

"Why should I when I have you to do that for me?"

"ARGHH!" Neliel shrieks, before stomping away.

Szayels snickers, and Nnoitra grins.

...

Nnoitra is seen staring at his cell phone, looking annoyed.

Szayel sits opposite to him with the camera.

"Dude, what is it?"

Nnoitra says, "Why did I have to get the stupidist fraccion in the history of Hueco Mundo?"

Szayel sighs, "Tesla texted you again?"

Nnoitra says in a disgusted tone, "He wants me to go on a picnic with him. What does he think I am, his lover?"

Szayel nods, "Probably."

Nnoitra says, "He's such a friggin' fag. Look what the text says."

Szayel reads, "_Nnoitra-sama, won't you please come to the picnic? It'll be so much fun!_❤_ ... _Oh god, _gross_! He did a heart icon!"

Nnoitra nods, "I'm gonna text him back."

"What're you gonna say?"

_"Tesla, your a piece of crap."_

"Ah...I should've known-"

"Nnoitra-sama!"

Nnoitra groans, "Oh shit, he found me, _again_. What did he do, _sniff _me out?"

Szayel chuckles and turns the camera so Tesla comes into view. He is waving happily at Nnoitra.

Nnoitra claps a hand over his eyes and says, "What, bitch?"

"Won't you pleeeeasssse come for the picnic? It's gonna be really fun-"

"No."

"What? But whyyy?"

"I don't want to."

"But I wanted you to coooome-"

"Stop whining."

"But Nnoitra-samaaa-"

"That's it." Nnoitra grabs Tesla by the collar, easily lifting him up and throws him over his shoulder.

"Wh- Nnoitra-sama?" Tesla shrieks, his hands on his face, which is red, "What are you-"

Nnoitra says "Hope you like wet garbage, Teslie." and puts Tesla headfirst in the trash can.

Tesla cries, "What did I do wrong, Nnoitra-sama?"

"You keep breathing."

Neliel appears. "_Nnoitra_, there you are! I-"

Tesla cries, "I can't breathe, it smells too bad! Nnoitra-sama, get me out,_ please!"_

Nnoitra says matter of factly, "Last time I checked Tesla, pieces of crap don't talk."

Neliel gasps, "Tesla? (runs over to trash can) What happened?" and tries to pull him out.

Nnoitra turns to Szayel, "Now, let's make a run for it!"

Both run away laughing.

...

The camera cuts to Nnoitra and Szayel in Nnoitra's room, for the third time. Both are properly dressed in their Espada uniforms.

Szayel says to the camera, "So, guess what? The picnic Tesla was talking about is actually being hosted by Aizen-sama. And it's for all of us, so we're actually attending."

Nnoitra grumbles, "I swear, if Tesla follows me around..."

"He's like, your little dog, isn't he?"

"Yep. The little shit can't seem to stay away from me."

There is a knock at the door.

Nnoitra goes and opens the door to reveal Neliel.

Nnoitra raises an eyebrow at her, "Hey, babe. What's up? I'm not free tonight, sorry."

Neliel growls in a dangerously low tone, "Not , a single word, Nnoitra Jiruga. I cannot _believe_ you."

Nnoitra rolls his eyes, "What now, mom?"

Neliel steps towards him, poking him harshly in the chest, "Is it true that you walked in on Orihime-chan when she was taking a shower? Just because of your stupid _shampoo?"_

Nnoitra frowns, "HEY, it was not just shampoo, it was conditioner, too, shit-for-brains."

"So?"

"_Vanilla-scented_ shampoo and conditioner!"

"Nnoitra!"

"Neliel!" Nnoitra shrieks, imitating Nel's high, shrieky tone.

"You're such a jerk!"

"Does it look like I care? C'mon Nel, don't be such a dipshit."

Nel growls dangerously, "If I ever hear about something like this again, I will sneak into your room at night and castrate you."

Nnoitra raises an eyebrow and grins, "The _first_ part sounds nice."

"Do _not_ underestimate me. I will do it."

"Is that a threat?"

"It's a promise." Neliel calls back as she walks off.

"Ohoho, bitch." Nnoitra laughs.

...

The camera cuts to the large dining room in Las Noches.

Silence is filled in the room as everyone eats quietly.

Szayel giggles softly as he turns the camera around the table, zooming in on random things.

When he gets to Aizen, he gulps, as Aizen has the slightest smidge of a frown on.

"Szayel, please put the camera away."

"S-Sorry."

...

The camera cuts to Nnoitra and Szayel outside.

Szayel sighs, "For a second, I though Aizen-sama was going to destroy the camera or something."

Nnoitra snickers, "You have to admit, that'd be pretty funny."

"Yeah, for you maybe, because it's not your camera." Szayel leans against a railing, "It's nice out tonight."

Nnoitra makes a disgusted face, "Dude, shut up. You sound so gay."

Szayel's face is puzzled, "What? All I said was that it was nice out tonight!"

Nnoitra stares at him for a moment. "Oh, ok. Never mind."

Szayel shakes his head, "You've always got something perverted on your mind, don't you?"

Nnoitra snaps, "Says the guy who's own freaking zanpakuto's name means "to fornicate"!"

Szayel yells, "WE CANNOT CHOOSE WHAT ZANPAKUTO WE ARE BOUND TO!"

Tesla comes outside for air.

Nnoitra quickly calls out, "Tesla, you're a piece of crap."

Tesla retreats back into the house.

...

The camera cuts to all of the Espada, as well as Aizen, Gin, Tousen, and Orihime, outside.

Nnoitra says, "Well, that wasn't so bad."

Szayel chuckles, "And surprisingly, Tesla-chan hasn't come to bother you once."

Nnoitra says, "What about the time he came outside?"

Szayel says, "But he didn't say anything to you."

Nnoitra snorts, "So? Just being there in enough. (looks around) Dude, This is boring as shit. Let's go to my room, I-"

Szayel interupts, "Now_ that _sounded wrong."

"Shut up, fornicator-boy!"

"Haha, I'm just kidding. What were you saying?"

"Yes." Nnoitra tosses his hair, "Before this dipshit interupted me, I was saying, I noticed that Hueco Mundo doesn't have enough advertising. Soul Society has all this stuff- like the women's association, the newspaper."

Szayel says, "So what are you thinking?"

"So I'm thinking, we should go a step ahead of those losers and make our own tv show!"

Szayel stares at him. "Tv show? About what, our daily lives?"

"No. I'll show you, I made a poster."

Tesla pops out of nowhere, "A poster of what, Nnoitra-sama? Can I see it?"

Nnoitra gets really pissed, and walks up to Tesla, "I TOLD YOU (punch) NOT TO PISS (punch) ME OFF (punch) YOU LITTLE CRAP!"

...

The camera cuts to Nnoitra on his hands and knees, looking under his bed.

Szayel's voice is heard, "Did you find it?"

"Yep." Nnoitra sits up, a rolled up poster in his hands. He takes the rubber band off and uses it like a slingshot at Szayel.

Szayel dodges the rubber band. "Imbecile."

Nnoitra chuckles and unrolls the poster, "Screw you. Hey, check it out."

Szayel reads, "Hueco Mundo's Next Top Model...?"

Nnoitra nods.

Szayel glares at Nnoitra through his glasses, "Why are YOU on the front of the poster? It makes sense that Aizen-sama is in the back...but why are you so in the front?"

"It's my poster, I can do what I want!" Nnoitra says matter-of-factly, "Besides, this is my own original idea. It's not like I'd be participating in it, anyways."

Szayel pauses, "Wait, why?"

"Because I only have one eye."

"So?"

"So?" Nnoitra shrieks, "You dumbass, have you ever seen a model with only one eye? No! I'll be a judge."

"It's a pretty good idea, I'll give you that."

"I know. My genius will finally be recognized by everyone."

"Too bad Illforte's dead, he would've loved this." Szayel shook his head. "I guess I really did take all of the good genes in the family."

"Yeah, well he wasn't the one with pink hair." Nnoitra snickers.

"I TOLD YOU, WE CANNOT CHOOSE WHAT HAIR COLOR WE ARE BORN WITH!"


End file.
